I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
