Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
