pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
