I seem to have left my pride at pride
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
