Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
