Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
