I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
