meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Randomize
