bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
