Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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