I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
