You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
