She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
