Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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