I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
