Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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