Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i think i have two assholes
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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