About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
