wrigley field is MILF paradise
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
