I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize