my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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