There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Someone shit on the floor
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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