U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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