my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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