You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
