so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I could fuck to npr.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize