I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
