Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
