The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I wish there were birth control emojis
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
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