he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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