addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
