someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
