Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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