Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
