Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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