i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
