my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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