I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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