I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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