I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
