It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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