if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
