I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I can't put those talents on a resume
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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