I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
This can only be settled by a dance off.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
