sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
