Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
