Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
