My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
