But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
worst night to have a conscience
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
