someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
