It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
